Somewhere between then and now, my mentality changed.
Underneath it, I wrote: Treat yourself. Go out. You don’t need to “earn” it. You don’t need it but you can have it if it makes you happy.
With the minor success of my first proper resolution, I wanted to try some more this year.
Given that I now had more time to work on myself, I had a more extensive list of resolutions; some easier to achieve than others. Some I had already started the year previous and wanted to continue working on in the following year.
One of my bad habits was to apologize to my friends after I had complained to them about something that was stressing me out or after I thought I had spent too long dominating the conversation. They always said apologizing was silly and unnecessary; of course they didn’t mind me talking to them about my problems because they cared about me and wanted me to be happy. I realized that my continuous apologies only fueled my own poor self-perception; the idea that I was a burden to the people around me instead of a person they cared about and wished well.
I began to make an effort to say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry” when I could. I caught myself slipping up a lot in the beginning of the year, but now that it’s been more than half a year, I haven’t noticed myself apologizing for unnecessary things at all. I actually forgot that this was one of my resolutions until I looked back at them today.
I do think that I completed this resolution. My perception of myself, while still not stellar, has improved. I’ve become more confident in my place with my friends – obviously their love and affirmations were a huge part in that improvement – and I think that has carried over to other parts of my life. I am less afraid to ask for help at work and more confident in my role as an asset to the company, which I think helps me be a better employee.
Drawing is one of my ways of finding solace. It’s always been there for me when I was sad, and it helps me find color in a world that can sometimes seem grey. I stopped drawing in college because I didn’t have the time, but I picked it back up after graduating. I wanted to draw more because I knew it made me happier when I wasn’t happy with what was happening in my life.I was posting pictures of my artwork very regularly for a while because I was being prolific in my sketchbook. A few months ago, as I flipped through my sketchbook, I had a bizarre realization that a lot of my drawings felt sad to me. It was because I could remember every emotion I was feeling as I drew those drawings, and a lot of them felt lonely and sad because I had been lonely and sad in my mind when I was working on them.
My goal’s been edited a bit since then. While I’m being less prolific, I’m trying to be in a happier mind space when I create my work.
Read a book a week.
I do think I’m a better person for it. And that’s what resolutions are all about, aren’t they?